Mommy Wars - They are full of judgement, shame, and feeling as if one mother is better than another. It’s maddening. Yet, like a coin, there’s two sides.
Have you ever felt judgement from another mom?
From your own mother?
Have you ever caught yourself in the middle of judging another?
If so, I invite you to imagine, for the next few moments this - we stop trying to end the mommy wars and instead start seeing what’s on the flip side.
It’s so easy to want to believe that a world without judgement is a beautiful mystical world where everyone lives happily ever after. The truth is however, judgement serves a purpose.
I get it - Mothering is hard.
Mothering with judgement is the hardest because when we feel judged by others we then question ourselves; and when we judge others shamefully we then disconnect from our source of power within because we are living out our not self.
And yet, to shut down our judgement of others, to quiet that voice within that says “there’s something happening here that doesn’t jive with who I am,” that also, in the same vain shuts down our inner goddess, our voice, and our intuition.
It feels like quite a conundrum. On one hand, to be judged by other leads us to the most difficult challenge of mothering - the questioning of ourselves.
Yet, most of us have grown up with judgement, from the time we were little girls, being taught to please others, and most importantly our own parents. To be a good girl by other’s standards and ignore our inner voice. We learned that judgement is how you do life.
Our logical mind says, “Don’t judge others. That’s bad. Wrong. Unkind.”
My intuitive mind says otherwise. That there’s purpose, and lessons, and that judgement is a window into our souls that must be acknowledged, if we are to grow deeper in love with ourselves as we truly are.
Let me share a little story. Last week we were leaving a playground and my daughter wanted to be carried to the car, 50 feet away. My hands were full with lunch boxes, water bottles, and sweatshirts. I didn’t have the hands and in the moment I made a decision to let her know she could walk and if she’s too tired, she could hold onto my hand and I’d help her. I made the commitment to my decision, right or wrong, the words were out and the boundaries set. As it all fell apart and as she threw herself on the ground multiple times, my own judgement rallied. “Who makes their child walk when they want to be carried? Who lets their child cry in front of others? Bad mommy. Bad!” Each time she protested face to the dirt, I helped her up, showed her the car, and gave her the options. This walk must have taken 5 minutes. Another mama I recently met stood by watching, also staying with my son out of her own concern. As we made our way to the car, in that moment of goodbye, I felt it. The heavy cloud of mama judgement. In that moment, I felt myself questioning my own decisions. My ability to hold boundaries, was it serving me? The wave of, I just ruined my child forever. The thought this mama may never want to hang out again. The disconnect from my inner goddess because I was now in a place of questioning instead of trusting. In truth, I don’t know if the judgement was coming from her, or from within, or most likely both.
Uncomfortable situations are, uncomfortable. But it doesn’t mean they are wrong. Or that we do what makes others feel comfortable and abandon our own mothering skills.
I can’t answer for any judgement I felt coming at me, but I know in the self-judgement are lessons. The remembering of other ways of being. I remembered, should it happen again, I could give my daughter a purpose to help us get back. Or I could pause longer before making my decisions. And that while this seems like a little tiny event, the energy of my own judgement feels heavy. I feel pieced apart, not whole. Deconstructed.
It’s as if when we are judged without love, there is a destruction of our soul. And yet there is beauty in destruction. Have you ever looked closely at a fallen tree? The magnificence of the heavy, dirty, roots. Dead and glorious, all at once. That’s how I feel about mommy judgement. It’s heavy energy that once sifted through, appreciated, healed, it opens the doorway to deeper intuition because it is forcing us to know, “Who I am.”
We must be kind to ourselves. Learn to forgive ourselves. For we truly are doing the best we can with the wisdom we have. By using this inner voice of judgement, both of self and of others for journey into knowing ourselves more fully. Like the fallen tree, there is purpose is supporting what falls after it. It’s our job in mothering to not shut down what we believe to be true just because it makes someone else feel uncomfortable.
The lesson is not to stop the judgement, but to learn to judge with love. Quietly. This is inner work. Not outer work.
When I judge others, this is the path to my fears and my doubts.
When I judge myself, this is where I can reevaluate my choices and see if they are serving me in this new moment.
Where I feel judgement from others, this is the knowledge I am questioning, “Who Am I?”
The conundrum of life - to feel judged feels awful, but to allow judgement can be healing. So what’s the solution?
We must learn to judge with love.
To judge inwardly, quietly, contemplating the purpose and then sending immense amounts of love to those who are parenting differently at the same time we send love to ourselves.
Judgement ~ Allow it, for its transformation just trying to seep into your soul. When we accept the negative thoughts within with love, we accept ourselves fully in love and then, can be accepting of others, lovingly.
This is how we end the mommy wars. This is it.
Do you struggle feeling judged? Can you connect with what's underneath? Join the conversation on Facebook.